The Faith of a Mustard Seed

"My mother’s death was the occasion of what some (but not I) might regard as my first religious experience. When her case was pronounced hopeless I remembered what I had been taught; that prayers offered in faith would be granted. I accordingly set myself to produce by will power a firm belief that my prayers for her recovery would be successful; and as I thought, I achieved it. When nevertheless she died I shifted my ground and worked myself into a belief that there was to be a miracle. The interesting thing is that my disappointment produced no results beyond itself. The thing hadn’t worked, but I was used to things not working, and I thought no more about it. . .With my mother’s death all settled happiness, all that was tranquil and reliable, disappeared from my life. There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of Joy; but no more of the old security. It was sea and islands now; the great continent had sunk like Atlantis." - C. S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy.

February 11th will mark the 19th anniversary of my mother's death. That is, I have now lived as many years without her as with her. At that time in my life, I was closer to her than anyone. Her death marked a pivotal point in my life. It was an event that challenged my faith and beliefs and shaped me dramatically. I doubt that I will ever regain that "old security."

Although Lewis was apparently much younger at the time of his mother's death, his description of the event sounds hauntingly similar to my own. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I expected a miracle. When she died, I thought it was simply a lack of faith. Mistakenly, I had put my faith in faith itself. It has taken me many years to find the true meaning of faith and only worthy object of it - Christ alone.

Until the resurrection. . .